This is an open message to those young women in the first to third forms who see fit to foul the bathroom doors with self-degrading and objectifying graffiti.

It is my last year in the Convent of Horrors... or now that I'm older and a lot wiser, I should call it the Convent of Wonderful People and Bad Experiences. Our year group is now at the top of the school looking down. Our last day of school ever has come and gone, and I am standing on the verge of graduation. I have lived in this world for eighteen years, but only for the past two have I begun to awaken to its injustices.

It was a form four girl who alerted me to the presence of overwhelming amounts of graffiti on the bathroom doors. I had seen this kind of thing before: the first formers had taken to fantasising about the male members of our student community (who would never consider consenting to any situation involving about a seven-year age difference) and putting these sentiments into words on the door for all to see. Of course they're not very sophisticated words, usually: just things like "Squeaky* is hot", or "Cunthole is the fowinest (?)", or even "I want to eat Pianoman's pizza face". But then you get somewhat more unsavoury remarks such as "Asperger put his penis in me. It was big". Obviously I'm paraphrasing here but I'm sure you understand the type of scrawl that commonly goes on behind bathroom doors.

This graffiti disturbs me greatly. Why are these first formers entertaining such lewd fantasies about their upperclassmen? Why are they trying to gain standing by fabricating lies about the insertion of penises into places where they should never have gone before?

Young ladies, please stop making fools (and/or sex objects-in-training) of yourselves. At such an early stage in your life it cannot be healthy. There are better things in life than Convent boys. And many of these Convent boys quickly become rather arrogant (as if they weren't arrogant enough already by virtue of being male) or completely worthless (I probably shouldn't say anything about this for fear of death threats :P) upon entering an all-female school, as though their testosterone is displaying some sort of immune response to being surrounded with oestrogen. It's very sad, really. All these people need hugs.

Everyone needs more hugs. And less softcore pornography.

I'll probably talk about this more coherently later.

*  Obviously not his real name: just a reference to his rather intriguing defining characteristic. Names changed to protect both the innocent and the complete assholes.